GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS
DETROIT-With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic
market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win
airbag contest this week. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon
violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come
standard in all of the company's 1999 cars. "Auto accidents have never been so
exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the
contest to boost 1999 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win
Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to the next
Super Bowl, or a year' s worth of free Mobil gasoline." Though it does not
officially begin until Nov. 1, 1999, the airbag promotion is already being
tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my
car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be
it-I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife
but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at
60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down
the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting
the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!" "It's really
addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her
hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain
hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars
trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven' t won. I swear, I'm
going to win those tickets-even if it kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as she
is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a
tree. GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well
received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's
understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even
fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or
truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that
prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest
rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1999 Cutlass Supreme, are 1
in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning
are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car
accident in the first place-approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of
winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will
inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier,"
said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was
the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really
gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of
his 1999 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just
wrong."
BUG JOKE
What's the last thing to go through a bugs mind when he hits your car
windshield??? His ass!
THREE BAD DUCKS
3 Ducks were arrested in a pond. The cops brought them back to the station.
Since that day was a bit hectic in the station that the police officer in charge
of the ducks' arrest forgot why they arrested them for. So he went up to the
first duck and asks " What's your name? What did you do in the pond?", the duck
responded: "Quack, and I was just blowing bubbles" the officer was like,
"There's nothing wrong with that" Then he asked the same thing to the second
duck, it responded: "Quack, Quack, and I was just blowing bubbles." the officer
was again like, "There's nothing wrong with that." So he ask the last duck the
same thing and it responded: "My name's Bubbles."
HALLOWEEN FUN
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party, that said she was going to
take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being
spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after
sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early,
she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her
costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted
her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick
he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife
sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner
high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off
they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at
midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into
bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was
sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He
said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you; I never
even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other
guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going
to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
THE BOAT TRIP
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome
young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a
lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow
you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did
she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a
routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?"
the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking
me to
Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
HARLEY DAVDISON
The owner of Harley Davidson got old , and died . When he went to Heaven ,
the angel at the gate , noticed him , and told him he could hang out with anyone
in heaven , because his motorcycles had changed the world . He asked to meet God
Himself . When he met Him , he asked God if he had made woman . God said yes .
Then the owner of Harley Davidson said that his invention had some flaws . After
making some calculations on His computer , God said that even though his
invention had some mistakes , more people ride his invention rather than his.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
A guy walks in a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing an
Eagles jersey, helmet and is holding Eagles pom poms. The bartender says. "Hey!
No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The man begs. "Look I am
desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we
can see the game!"After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning
him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents
and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The games begins with the
Eagles receiving a kickoff. They march downfield stop at the 30, and kick a
field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and
down the bar giving everyone a high-five. The bartender says. "Wow that is the
most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a
touchdown?" I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."
WHORE TROUBLES
A traveling salesman in town for the week stops by a brothel for a quickie.
The proprietor says, "Whadaya want, we got a $100 whore, a $50 whore and a $10
whore." The man figures the $100 whore would be the best lay and opts for her.
She turns out to be okay but not the best he's had. He returns the next day and
reasons that since the $100 whore wasn't so great that the $50 whore would be
about the same. To his surprise she's much better, but still not the best he's
had. So when he goes back the next day he hires the $10 whore thinking he
might as well save his money since the whores here aren't that great. He's
pumping away and realizes this $10 whore is the best lay he's ever had! But
suddenly her mouth pops wide open and out spews white goo all over his face! He
runs screaming past the front desk and out the door! The cleaning lady looks in
the vacated room and yells, "Hey, Joe. The dead one's full."
BLOW JOB
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the
bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blow job." "Well, in
that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots
won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
ESCAPING PRISON
These three guys are breaking out of prison, ones a American,ones a Russian,
and another ones Chinese. they have just broken the bars and all they have to do
to escape is to jump over a wall with spikes on it. The American jumps and he
yells, "ow, I broke my arm". The Russian jumps and yells "ow I broke my leg"
then the Chinese guy jumps and lands on his feet yelling in pain. The American
asks him, "what did you break?" he says "me no slip, me no fall, me see Chinese
balls on the wall!"
BLONDE JOKE
Whats the difference between a blonde and mosquito? If you slap the mosquito
it will stop sucking!