Dirty Jokes 4
After the Lorean Bobbitt incident, she was driving down the
highway, when she threw it out the window. Well, before it hit the
ground, there were two guys in a pickup behind her, and "it" landed on
their windshield, and then fell off. The first guy said to the second,
"Oh my God, Did you see the size of the dick on that bug?"
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Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous
place I ever worked. They played a game called "Bridge" and last night
a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the
refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you got."
Another man said, "I've got strength, but no length." And another man
said to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick." I nearly dropped dead
when the lady answered, "You forced me....you jumped me when you didn't
have the strength for one raise." Another lady was talking about
protecting her honor. Two other ladies were talking, and one said,
"Now it's time for you to play with my husband, and I will play with
yours." Well, I just got my hat and coat, and as I was leaving, I hope
to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now.
This is the last rubber."
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A gold pro at a local golf course is teaching this woman how to
golf and not have much luck. Each time the ball is hit with a tremble
slice or hook. Both are getting very frustrated. Final the pro hits
on the idea, "Try thinking of the golf club as your husband's penis.
And hold it the same way."
The lady golfer tries this and is having some success. The ball
is hit straight and true but is not getting any distance. They try
several times and then the golf pro suggests, "Okay we are making some
progress, the next time lets take the golf club out of your mouth."
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It seems that several months ago in the Realm of Our Gang there
was a spelling bee. When it came down to the wire only Buckwheat
and Darlene were left.
The teacher then asked Darlene, "please stand up and spell the
word, 'Dictate'." Darlene promptly completed the task successfully and
re-took her seat.
The teacher then addressed Buckwheat, "Now Buckwheat, use that
word in a sentence." Buckwheat thought for a moment and then with a
big grin he proudly exclaimed, "Darla say my Dictate good!!"
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5 Reasons it's a Bummer to be an Egg.
1. Only get laid once !!
2. Only get eaten once !!
3. Takes 7 minutes to get hard !!
4. You come in a box with 11 other guys !!
5. The ONLY one who will sit on your face is....
Your Mother
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A traveling salesman was traveling down a country road when his
car broke down. He walked to the first house to seek help and heard
music and a TV going. He knocked on the door and no one answered. He
peeked inside the window and saw a woman standing there lifting her
breast and a man sitting there jerking off with an umbrella over his
head.
He thought, this is too weird, I'll go to the next house. He goes
to the next house, knocks on the door and a lady answers saying Can I
help you? He sighs and says, Thank God, someone normal.
He proceeds to explain what he seen and the previous house and the
lady said, Oh that's the Jones's, they're deaf and dumb. She's telling
him to go milk the cows and he's telling her, Fuck you, it's raining
outside.
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A Marine D.I. takes his recruits out to one of the swamps in
Parris Island. He tells them he is going to show them what Marine
Corps tough is. He pulls out his dick and an alligator clamps on to
it. The D.I. of course doesn't even flinch. After a moment he punches
the alligator in the head and the alligator breaks loose. He looks at
his recruits and asks them if any of them are tough enough to do that.
A few moments go by, when finally a hand goes up in back and a
meek voice replies, "Sir, I'll try it as long as you don't hit me so
hard!"
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A woman enters a bar and orders a beer. "Anheuser-Busch?" the
bartender asks.
"Just fine. And how's your cock?"
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Frank and Margaret were an old couple who were far too comfortable
around each other. One evening, Margaret was listening to her favorite
radio evangelist.
"Put your left hand on the radio, and put your right hand on the
part of your body that is ailing you", he said.
Well, Margaret reached over and put her left hand on the radio,
and then put her right hand on her arthritic ankle.
About this time, Frank meandered on by, and, seeing this and
knowing the routine far too well, decided to poke some fun at her. He
sauntered up to the radio, put his left hand on the radio, and, full
Madonna-style, grabbed his crotch with his right hand.
Seeing this, Margaret replied, "Frank! That man said he'd heal
the sick, not raise the dead!"
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Many years ago, a model/actor named Penis VanLesbian asked
his agent why he wasn't getting any work. "It's obvious," his
agent replied, "It's your name."
"What's wrong with my name?" VanLesbian asked. "I come from
a long line of VanLesbians. And in my country, Penis is a popular
first name."
"You're in America now" said his agent. "You'll have to find
a more suitable name."
"Ok, how about Dick VanDike?"
And the rest is history ...
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John had two pet monkeys whom he loved very much, but both died
within days of each other. He decided to take their bodies to the
taxidermist so that they would be with him forever. The taxidermist
gave him an estimate for the job and asked if he wanted them mounted.
"No," came the reply. "Just have them shaking hands."
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Sophie has a slight heart problem. her father was starting to
worry about her, as she was starting to date. She dated a number of
young men, but lately, she was only seeing Ernie. Her father was
concerned that she was starting to have sex with Ernie, and he worried
about her heart. He took Ernie aside to have a talk with him.
He asked Ernie a few general questions, and then got to the point.
"Young man, do you know that my daughter has acute angina?"
Ernie thought for a moment, and responded with a grin, "Yea, and
she has a great set of tits too ! "
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A wealthy dowager was shopping in the produce department at the
local supermarket and much to her embarrassment found herself becoming
very aroused handling the Zucchini and Cucumber. The more she handled
them while selecting those she wanted to keep...the shorter her breaths
became and she felt "the warmth" spreading further throughout her body.
As she was leaving the check stand she asked the cashier if a bag boy
could carry her groceries out for her.
As she and the bag boy entered the parking lot, she dared nudge
him every so slightly, arousing her even more so, past containment.
Nudging him again she said to the bag boy. "I have an itchy pussy!"
He stands there for a few seconds and finally tells her "Lady,
you'll have to point it out for me, all those Japanese imports look the
same to me!"
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BTW, did you hear about the heartbreak in Hollywood? It seems that
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce. The judge says to
Mickey, "It says here on your petition for divorce that you think
Minnie might not be quite in her right mind".
And Mickey said, "No, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY!"
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Good evening ladies," Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three
women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr Watson asked.
"No," Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or
the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes. how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it
one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the
fruit into small pieces. The prostitiute," he continued, "grabbed with
both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a
newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with
the other."
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It seems that Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game.
The game was about to start when one of the Secret Service agents
whispered something in Bill's ear.
Bill looks at the agent very strangely, shrugs his shoulders,
grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck, and the belt, and tosses her
over the fence onto the playing field.
The agent looks shocked and says to the President: "No, no, Mr
President! I said you had to throw out the first PITCH!"
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A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day.
He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife
loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery
man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband
home! My husband's home!"
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Mr Ant gives his new bride the elephant, a right good seeing to on
their honeymoon night, anyway when he's finished he rolls off (nearly
breaking his neck in the fall!). Anyway, in the morning he gives his
wife (the elephant) a nudge, "Fancy another darling". To which he got
no reply, he shakes her hard, still no response, he realizes she's
stone cold and as stiff as his hard-on.
"Bugger it..." says the ant, one night of passion and spend the
rest of your life digging the grave.
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There's three guys at a whorehouse. One is inside, one is walking
away, and one is walking towards it. What is the nationality of each?
The guy walking towards it is Russian
The guy walking away is Finnish
The guy inside is Himalayan
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Are you kidding? I know my wife cheats on me. The other day I came
home from work...the parrot said, "Quick! Out the window!"
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One day I said to my kid, "Some day you'll have kids of your own." He
said, "So will you."
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There was a cowboy, an Indian, and a black guy sitting around a
campfire.
The Indian said "Once we were many, now we are few."
The black guy said "Once we were few, now we are many."
The cowboy said "That's 'cause we ain't played cowboy and nigger
yet!"
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Little Cindy, who has just turned five, asked her mother, "How do
you get a baby?". Her mother replied, "Daddy's penis goes into Mummy's
vagina".
Cindy said, "But last night I had to go to the toilet, and I saw
Daddy putting his penis in your mouth. Can you get a baby that way
too?"
Her mother smiled and replied, "No dear, that's how you get
jewelry!"
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Little old lady (who just looks like your grandmother) goes into a
sex shop, she appears to have a case of palsey as she's shaking from
head to toe.
"Young Man!" she asks the clerk, "Do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes Mam, we do," he replies.
"Big flouresent orange ones?"
"Yes Mam we do."
"The type about 16 inches long?"
"Yes mam we do."
"The type that takes 8 D Cell batteries?"
"Yes Mam we do."
"Well how the hell do you turn it off?"
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Man walks up to a woman in a shop, "Hey lady can I smell your
crutch!"
She replies, "Disgusting man, most certainly not!"
The man smiles and says, "Well it must be your fucking feet
then!"
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A certain women decided to visit the doctor to have her breasts
enlarged. Dr. Swenson prescribed the following treatment. "Every day
at 2pm rub your breast while reciting the following, 'Mary had a
little lamb who's fleece was white as snow, and every day I do this my
breasts are sure to grow.' " The woman agreed and faithfully performed
the prescribed treatment every day. Several weeks later while in the
grocery store she realized that it was 2pm. Being fully commited to
the treatment she proceded on in full sight of all.
The store butcher, having witnessed the entire routine commented
to her "Dr. Swenson, right?".
Surprised, the women answered, "Yes, but how...".
"That's easy", he replied. Grabing his penis he began, "Hickory
dickory dock, the ..."
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An Old Timer was riding the trail in his wagon when an Outlaw
approached, drew his pistol and said, "Do you dance, old man?"
The Old Timer said, "I sure don't Cowboy!"
The Outlaw began firing at the old man's feet and the Old Man
began to dance as the Outlaw laughed. After the Outlaw fired his last
shot he said, "Thanks for the dance Old Man."
The Old-Timer said, "Cowboy I hoped you fired your last shot!" and
pulled a large shotgun from under his seat. The Old-Timer then asked
the Outlaw if he'd ever kissed a horse's ass.
The Outlaw said, "No, I haven't Old Man, but I have always wanted
too!"
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A fellow becomes concerned about his depressed parrot, and takes
the sad bird to a veterinarian. After examining the parrot, the vet
says, "No wonder he's depressed. He needs romance."
The fellow buys a pretty female parrot for fifty dollars, brings
her home, and deposits her in the cage. Humming a romantic song, he
goes into another room. Suddenly he hears a terrible racket. He
rushes back to the cage, where he sees his male bird clawing at the
female and ripping off her feathers. The man says, "What on earth are
you doing?"
The male parrot says, "For fifty dollars I want her naked!"
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A priest has two male parrots. Doting on them, he makes small
sets of rosary beads for them to hold. At the same time, he teaches
them to say the rosary. After a few months, the priest meets a nun
with a female parrot. The nun is concerned because the female parrot
seems to be wild. The priest suggests, "Why don't you put her in with
my parrots? Their piety may get to her."
Agreeing that the priest may have a point, the nun brings over
the bird and duly deposits the little lady in the cage. One of the
male parrots says to the other, "Let's throw away these darn beads.
Our prayers have been answered!"
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A preacher was asked to give a talk at a local women's health
symposium. His wife asked about his topic, but he was too embarrassed
to admit that he had been asked to speak about sex. Thinking quickly,
he replied, "I'm talking about sailing."
"Oh, that's nice," said his wife.
The next day, at the grocery store, a young woman who had attended
the lecture recognized the minister's wife. "That was certainly an
excellent talk your husband gave yesterday," she said. "He really has
a unique perspective on the subject."
Somewhat chagrined, the minister's wife replied, "Gee, funny you
should think so. I mean, he's only done it twice. The first time he
threw up, and the second time, his hat blew off."
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There was these three professors looking for the mythical Foo
bird. So they went to the deepest part of Africa looking for it.
After three weeks of searching they found a Foo. So they tried to catch
it, but the foo turned around and sh*t on one of the professors. The
professor wiped the sh*t off him and fell over dead. The other two
professors looked at what happened in curiosty and shock.
After burying him they went on their way. A hour later they met a
second Foo. The same thing happened, again the foo sh*t on one of the
professors. The professor wiped off his face and died. By this time
the last professor decied to get out of there. But before he could six
Foos ganged up and sh*t on him.
So he went home and smelled like Foo sh*t,but determined not to
wipe it off. After two years he got tried of wearing the foo sh*t so
he wiped it off and died.
The moral of the story is, if the Foo sh*ts wear it!
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A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with
his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing
down. After this goes on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out the
front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will
understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and
she said to go fly a kite."
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A hillbilly kid marries his childhood sweetheart (literally if you
know what I mean). Their honeymoon was to take place in a special
hunting lodge which is only accessible by train. They get to the
station where they wait for 5 hours. Everybody there is getting a
little miffed. The bride realizes that she needs to go to the little
girls room, and upon returning, she's crying hysterically. Her
husband asks her what was up.
After a lot of effort, she says, "As I was waiting in line to use
the bathroom, I overheard a couple of hunters say that if the train
doesn't get here soon, the f***ing season will be over.
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A mother & son were about to go to the shopping mall as she warned
him that she found his behaviour atrocious. As they walked in, he
pointed his arm and said "Look, Ma at the bow-legged bastard."
"Billy, I'll have no more of that language or you'll be sent
somewhere to learn better, she said.
"Ma, another bow-legged bastard," shouted Billy.
Immediately she sent the boy to a private school where he did
indeed learn manners as well as culture, Shakespeare, the arts,
sciences and a certain sophistication she never suspected to be
possible. Nine months later, he was home on vacation. She once again
took William as he now preferred to be called to the shopping mall.
Again he saw one. This time he queried, "Mother. . . . What manner of
men be these who walk with balls in parentheses?"
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More top ten children's books we're unlikely to see
10. 50 ways to use those funny plastic cards in Daddy's wallet
9. Barney loves you and his new crack pipe
8. Brother Bear lights fireworks and The Berenstain Bears stamp
out Sister
7. The boy who wore too much mascara
6. Uncle Timmy builds a fertilizer bomb
5. The man in the park with the big bump
4. 25 things poop can do
3. Those pretty books under Daddy's bed
2. A plastic bag, a rubber band and the new baby
1. Curious George and the oven lightbulb
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