Dirty Jokes 3
You hear about the kid who was half Jewish and half Puerto Rican?
He came home from school one day and asked his mother, "Mommy, am I
more jew or more spic?"
The horrified mother replied "I don't know, why?"
The kid replied, "Well, Jimmy down the street has a bike for sale
for $25. and I don't know whether to talk him down to $10, or just
steal the motherfucker."
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Two older men sat on a bench in the park. One said, "I hear that
eating raw oysters puts lead in your pencil."
The other man said, "I don't like raw oysters, and to tell you the
truth, I don't have any women to write to!"
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There was a butler who worked for a wealthy couple. The husband
was old, and the wife young and beautiful. One night the couple went
out to dinner, and the butler stayed at their house.
The young wife returned home earlier than the husband, and she
called the butler, Sam, into her room. She told him;
"Sam, I want you to take my shoes off." Sam took her shoes off.
"Sam, now I want you to take my stockings off." Sam took her
stockings off.
"Now, Sam, take off my dress, my bra, and my panties. And Sam, if
I ever catch you wearing my clothes again..."
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Which reminds me of the story of a couple of young lassies who
wondered the same thing when they saw the Scotsman passed out drunk
under a tree. They lifted his kilt and, giggling, discovered this
particular Scot wore NOTHING under it. For a joke, one of them took
the pretty blue ribbon from her hair and tied it around his schlong.
Couple of hours later, the guy wakes up and decides to take a
leak. He looks at himself in surprise and burrs, "Well, laddie, I
don't know where ya been, but it appears ya won first prize!"
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An American , a paki and a Canadian are sitting at the bar. The
American chugs his drink down and throws the glass in the air takes out
his gun and shoots the glass. "We have so much glass in my country I
don't have to drink out of the same glass twice"
The Paki downs his drink and smashes the glass against the floor
and says "We have so many glass in my country I dun half to dreenk out
of the same glass twice"
The Canadian slams back his beer, takes out his gun and shoots the
Paki! He turns to the American and says. "We have too many Pakis in
my country and I don't have to drink with the same one twice, eh?"
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Three straight guys were in a bar and they were bragging about the
size of their respective penises to a female bartender. For hours and
hours the three men went on about "Mines big as a dog," and "I got at
least a foot and half". Finally, the bartender had enough and told the
men "Why don't you pull those things out, lay them on the bar and I'll
tell you which one is the biggest!"
The three guys plop out their organs on the bar, about the same
time this gay walks in. The bartender asks "May I help you?" the
faggot replies "No, I think I'll have the buffet!"
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"One day, as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging
naked.
I said to the guy, 'Hey buddy, what are you doing that for?' He
said, 'Because you came home early.'"
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What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Three more bullets.
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The teacher has set the class an assignment. He stresses the
importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be
accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the
immediate family (with a note from that member). A smartass student
pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks
up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:
"Well, Jones, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other
hand."
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What's another name for Jell-O?
Kool-Aid with a hard on.
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There was a lady who was downstairs in an apartment, putting her
laundry in the washing machine. Soon as she was done, she noticed that
her gown was soiled. She took it off and tossed it in the washer as
well. She was butt-naked underneath. She noticed water dripping from
a pipe above, so she grabbed a nearby football helmet and put it on her
head.
She didn't notice a plumber working behind her, and as he walked
by he said, "I hope your team wins, lady!".
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A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before
heading to town to do chores. "That fellow from Sematol will be along
this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the
right stall so's you know which one I want him to impregnate".
Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the
instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully
takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the cow right here" she tells him. "What's the nail for?" the
guy asks. Replies the wife, "I guess it's to hang up your pants."
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Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds & whey
Along cam a spider
Sat down beside her
And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
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There once was a priest a rabbi and a lawyer taking a load full of
children out of war torn Sarejevo. The plane began to experience
engine failure and the order was given by the captain to abandon the
airplane, but there was only three parachutes.
The rabbi told the other two, "We have parachutes, but what about
the children?"
The lawyer replied, "Fuck the Children!"
To that comment the priest replied, "What? Now? Do we have enough
time?"
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Two women were sitting together sharing their morning coffee.
Sarah said to Marge, "Living with my husband is like playing
checkers."
"How so," replied Marge.
"Everytime I make a move, he jumps me."
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On the same token, .....why do women rub their eyes, first thing in the
morning????
"Cause, they ain't got no balls to scratch!!!!!
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Why did God create men?
Cucumbers don't take out the garbage.
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Three vampires went into a vampire bar to get a drink. Their
waitress approached them and asked:"What would you men like to drink?"
The first vampire said:"Hmmmm...I'll have a bloody Mary."
"Excellent", said the waitress.
The second vampire said:"I'll have a blood-light please." Then the
waitress turned to the third vampire: "And you sir?"
"I'll have hot water.", he said. At that point the music in the
bar stopped, and all the vampires turned to look at him.
"Oh, don't worry,", he said and pulled a used tampon from his
cape: "I'm having tea!".
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This farmer bought a rooster. Farmer sat on the rail watching the
rooster run around like a mad thing servicing all the hens. After a
couple of hours the rooster started to tackle the other farm animals.
The farmer shouted, "Hey! You keep on like that and you will die from
exhaustion!" The farmer went in and had some tea, when he came out he
saw the rooster flat on it's back legs the air. "See, I told you so."
The rooster turned his head put his wing to his mouth and went SShhhhh
to silence the farmer and pointed skywards at the vultures that started
circling......
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What does sex and Oregon rain have in common?
You never know how many inches you're gonna get or how long
it's going to last.
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Have you read any of these?
Under The Grandstand by Seymore Butts
Spots On The Wall by Whuflung Poo
Run To The Outhouse by Willy Makeit
Illustrated by Betty Wont
Hawaiian Love Song by Comoniwanalayya
Russian Revenge by Ivan Kutchercockoff
Chinese Population Explosion by Weefuckem Yung
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A little girl visiting France accidentally wanders onto the nude
beach side of the beach. She sees a young man about to fall asleep,
and he has a hard-on. The little girl stares at it and then finally
asks the man, "What's that?"
The man says, "That's my little birdie. Don't touch it."
The little girl asks him, "Can I stay here?"
He replies, "Sure, but don't touch the birdie." So he falls
asleep, and he wakes up in a hospital bed, and sees the little girl
next to him laughing her head off. He demands, "What happened? What's
so funny? Why am I in the hospital?"
She says, "Well, I was petting your little birdie and it spit all
over me. So I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on
fire!"
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Did ya hear the one about the two pollock's driving to the east
coast on the southern route? Seems as they got to Texas they saw a
sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" so when they got to the filling
station, they pulled in and got out and started cleaning the restrooms!
As they traveled the south they found it difficult to make any real
progress as there were many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the
way. When they finally arrived in Alabama they came across a sign that
read "Wanted, two BLACKS for RAPE", the two pollock's looked at each
other and thought, Damn! those BLACKS get all the good jobs!!!!
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What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and a pig?
One of them roots in the mud & sleeps in his shit, and the other's a
pig.
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In the Beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the
Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was completely without
substance. And the Darkness was upon the face of the Workers, and they
spoke among themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it
stinketh." And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof." And the
Supervisors went among their Managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a
container of excrement and it is very strong. Such that none may abide
by it." And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is a
vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength." And the
Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains
that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors
went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth
and is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went unto the President
and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth
and efficiency of this Company, and in these Areas particular." And
the President looked upon the Plan, And saw that it was good, and the
Plan became Policy. This is how SHIT happens!
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What would Grace Kelly be doing if she were alive today?
Clawing at the top of her coffin.
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Why were Moses' parents so lucky?
They not only had fun in bed, but they also made a prophet.
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Q: What did God say after He created man?
A: "I can do better!"
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Q: Why did God give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.
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Signs your neighbor is a devil worshipper:
1-Funny way he jokes about burning down all the churches.
2-He can twist his head all the way around like that girl in The
Exorcist.
3-Asks if you'd like to go to church with him late Saturday night.
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How do you tell if a cop is really dead?
The doughnut falls out of his hand.
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Why do black people wear white gloves?
So they don't bite their fingers when they eat tootsie rolls
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A wealthy woman had a live-in maid who was black and very sexy
looking. Around 10 p.m. every evening she began hearing suspicious
noises that led her to believe her husband was sneaking down to the
maid's room and having sex with her.
To see if her suspicions were justified, she gave the maid the
night off, took her place in bed and turned the lights off. Pretty
soon she heard someone came sneaking in and begin having sex with her.
"Hey," she said, "I fooled you that time!" A deep voice replied, "Yo
sho did, lady."
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The youngest son of a great Indian chief went to his father and
asked, "Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three
children?" The great chief replied, "My son, when your older brother
was born, the first sight I saw after the moment of his birth was a
bear running through the woods; so I named him running-bear. The
morning your sister was born, the first sight I saw was a beautiful
star, so I named her morning-star. But why do you ask me such a
question, two-dogs-fucking?"
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Man walks in the bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey and 5 beers to
chase it with. Bartender says "Man, you must be having a bad day!"
Man says "Yea, I just found out my brother is a fag."
Bartender says "Man, that sucks!"
Next day same man walks in and orders 10 shots with 10 beers.
Bartender says, "Man, another bad day, huh?"
Man says, "Yea, I just found out my father is a fag!"
Bartender says, "Man, that really sucks!"
Next day same man walks in and orders 15 shots and 15 beers.
Bartender says, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?"
Man says, "Yea, my wife!"
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Three surgeons were sitting around talking about the types of
patients they liked to operate on.
The first said, "I like to work on Germans; once you open them up,
everything is arranged in a neat, orderly, militaristic fashion - it
makes things easy."
The second said, "I like to operate on Japanese; once you open
them up, everything is color-coded, like their electronics. It makes
operating easier."
The last surgeon said, "I like to operate on lawyers - once you
open them up, there's no heart, no guts, no backbone, no brain, and
there's only two moving parts, the mouth and the anus; and those are
interchangeable."
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What does a black man and a Christmas tree have in common?
They both have colored balls.
A homosexual swished onto a bus to face a derogatory sneer from
the massive bus driver. "Faggot," he growled, "where're your pearls?"
"Pearls with corduroy!?" shrieked the fag. "Are you mad?"
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What's black and white and red all over and has trouble getting through
a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
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Q. How Did Capt. Hook Die?
A. Jock Itch!
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"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks.
The bartender asked me.. 'What'll you have?' I said 'Surprise me.'
He showed me a naked picture of my wife!"
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I think we could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex.
Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and
your tax liability would decrease as you got older. (some of us) And it
would promote family values. How would you like to come home to your
wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?"
Or be a teenager and come home to your dad with your tax bill in his
hand. We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would
be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns.
Locker room conversations would change... "Get a load of this tax
bill!"
The forms would change a little also. We would now have a
1040Quickee. And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase..
"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
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Why can't you take a shit at a Beatles concert?
There's no John.
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What did Grace Kelly have that Natalie Wood could have used?
A good stroke!
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The emperor was trying to find the best samurai swordsman in the
land, so he held a contest. Only three samurai were confident enough
to compete. The emperor looked over the three strong men and said,
"I have here, in each of three containers, a fly. As I let the flies
out one at a time, each samurai is to kill one as quickly as possible."
All three nodded their understanding and assent.
The first samurai stood up, and the emperor opened the lid of the
container. Out buzzed a fly, and whoosh!, quicker than you could
imagine, the fly fell to the ground, deftly split in two. The crowd
that had gathered in the court applauded.
The second samurai stood, and the emperor opened the lid of the
second container. Out buzzed another fly. Even quicker than the first
samurai, the second whirled his sword whoosh! whoosh! and the fly
fell to the earth in four pieces. The crowd cheered.
As the third samurai rose to the challenged, everyone wondered
what he could do to top the feats of the last two swordsmen. When the
emperor opened the lid of the third container, the samurai, poised for
action, made a graceful wave of the sword, and the fly buzzed off.
The emperor, furious to think he was being mocked, cried,
"What do you think you're doing? That fly got away!"
"I know," replied the samurai. "But he'll never f*ck again!"
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