Dirty Jokes
On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French
girl threw herself into the sea and drowned in despair, despite a young
passerby's attempts to save her. The man dragged the half nude body
ashore and left it on the sand to call the authorities. Upon his
return, he was horrified to find a second man making love to the
corpse.
"Monsieur!" he shouted, "that woman is dead!"
"Sacre Bleu!" the man replied, springing up. "I thought she was
an American girl."
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These two drunks at a bar go to the bathroom to piss. When they
are done, one of them forgets to zip up his fly.
So after they sit back down at the bar, one drunk says, "Hey, I saw
a snake sitting on that stool just as you sat down. As a matter of
fact, I can still see it's head."
So he grabs a bottle, and smashes it onto the other man's penis.
"Hit it again," says the other man, "it just bit me."
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How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay
rodeo?
At the straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!"
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This guy walks into a bar and orders a double. After the
bartender hands him the drink, he pours it down and says, "Give me
another."
The bartender says, "Hey pal, what are we celebrating?" and the
guy says, "My first blow job."
"All right!" says the bartender. "Have one on the house!"
The guy says, "Keep 'em coming, I've just got to get this taste
out of my mouth!"
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A young man is visiting his future wife's parent's house for
dinner. Unfortunately, he is not feeling too well, but he sits down
for dinner anyway. The family dog, Spot, takes a seat under him and
they start dinner.
Well, the guy REALLY has to fart, so he lets out just a tiny one.
The girlfriend's mothers says, "Spot! No!". The guy thinks this is
really great, the dog will get blamed. He lets a little
bigger one this time. The mother says, "Spot!! No! Please!" in a
little harsher tone.
The guy finally decides to really let one rip, so he blasts away
with a real long one. The mother yells, "Spot! Get out of there before
he shits on you!".
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Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the
other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month,
I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this
month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
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Top 3 reasons Clinton should select John Bobbitt for Defense Secretary:
3) No nanny problems.
2) Can survive drastic cuts.
1) Experience with women in combat.
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"Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection"
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A little known area of sick jokes are the "Other Than That' type.
Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, how was the parade?
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Other than that, General Custer, how was the Little Big Horn?
Other than that, Mrs. O'Leary, how did the milking go?
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Two Hells Angels talking.
"How's married life?" asks the first.
"It's fine," says the second.
"How's the sex?" asks the first.
"Fine," says the second, "At least you don't have
to wait in line!"
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Dear Abby,
I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously.
I think she's the one for me. There's just one problem - I can't
remember from our first date if she told me she had T.B. or V.D.
What should I do?
-Confused
Abby replies:
Dear Confused,
If she coughs, fuck her.
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One day on a busy street corner a huge man walks up to a police
officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee
thid, and thacramento ith?" The police officer didn't reply at all.
The large man then asked again, but still no reply. Finally the
frustrated man walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up
to the officer and asked, "Officer, why didn't you tell that man
where thirty third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied,
"Thure and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
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A woman passenger in a horse-drawn cab has offered the driver a
large tip if he can deliver her in a hurry, but she is horrified at the
cruel whipping he gives the horse to make him go faster.
"My good man, is there no other way you could urge the horse
along?" she asks.
"Yessum," the cab driver replies cheerfully. "But I've got to save
his balls for the hill."
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Q. What Did Abraham Lincoln Said The Morning After His Wildest Party?
A. "I Freed The Who ?"
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The day after her husband's death, the widow met with the funeral
director. "What would you like to say in the obituary?"
"Tollman died," she replied.
"That's much too short. You should have at least five words."
"All right, how about Tollman died. Golf clubs for sale."
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A construction worker went to the hospital one day after hurting
himself badly. The doctor told the nurse to prepare a pain killer.
"Don't bother Doc," said the man. "I've been through a lot worse."
"More painful than this?" the doctor asked. "I'll tell you about the
second most painful accident I ever had. I was hunting one day and
had to take a shit so I dropped my pants and squatted. I tripped a
bear trap and BOOM, the thing snapped shut on my balls." The doctor
winced, "That's awful. But tell me, what could be worse?"
"When I reached the end of the chain."
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This guy goes into a bar with a big alligator and sets it on the
bar. He asks the barkeep for a beer, and opens the 'gators mouth.
He sticks his prick in the animals mouth and drinks his beer. The
bartender is amazed. The man pulls his dick out, and asks the
bartender, "Do you want to try it?"
"No," says the bartender, "I don't think I can hold my mouth open
that long."
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Two very old ladies were sitting on the porch, rocking. One
finally says, "Tell me, Maude, when you and the mister were married -
before he died, that is - did, uh, did you have mutual orgasm?"
Maude thought a moment, then said, "No, Sarah, I'm pretty sure it
was State Farm!"
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Susan Smith's South Carolina Water World!
Come to South Carolina, bring the kids and enjoy watching as
women dressed as southern housewives strap them into the cars! Visit
the fun house where phantom black men with ski masks appear and
disappear without a trace! Visit the Witness attraction where the
object of the game is to get your estranged spouse indicted! Compete
in the talent competition for most convincing tearful plea on video!
Finally, see the Susan Smith memorial electric chair! A day of fun
and excitement for the whole family!
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The Israelites are waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain
when Moses finally appears.
"I've got good news and bad news folks! The good news is that I
got HIM down to ten! The bad news is that adultery is still in!"
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How many opossums does it take to have sex?
Three: two to do it and one to watch for cars.
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Three women were in a gynecologist's office; a brunette, a red-
head, and a blonde. The nurse came out to the waiting room and began
to talk to the women. "The doctor says that if you tell me the
position in which the baby was conceived, we'll know what the baby will
be."
The brunette says, "I was on the bottom." The nurse said that she
will have a boy.
The red-head says, "I was on top." (of course) The nurse tells her
she is going to have a girl.
Then the blonde starts crying, "Does that mean I'm going to have
puppies?!"
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There's a German, a Frenchman, and a Polack on a train, and their
conversation turns to sex... They begin to ponder the shape of the
male sex organ, and in particular, what the head is for...
Says the German, "The head is there to please the man!" Says the
Frenchman, "No, the head is there to pleasure the woman!" Says the
Pole, "You guys are both wrong, it's there to keep your hand from
slipping off!!"
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A woman went to the doctor and upon examination, was told that she
was going to need a root canal done. She asked the doctor if a root
canal would hurt. He said a little more than having a baby. She said
I would rather have a baby. He said well make up your mind, I have to
adjust the chair.
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An old man goes into the Social Security Office and applies for a
pension. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove if
he is old enough to get it. He opens his shirt and shows them the grey
hair on his chest and they except that as proof.
He goes home to his wife show's her the check, and explains what
happened. "Well get back down there. Drop your pant's and see if you
can get Disability!"
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"I went to see my doctor... you know him... Doctor Vidi-Boom-Ba?
Yeah..I told him once, 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?'
He said, 'I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.'"
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told
me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"I told him I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of
penicillin."
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It is sung to the tune of "In the jungle the mighty jungle."
In the bedroom the mighty bedroom John Bobbit sleeps tonight.
In the kitchen the mighty kitchen Lorena grabs a knife.
A weener wack a weener wack a weener wack
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There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the
blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road,
she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde
stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like
you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and
give you what's coming to you!"
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"I hope the next time we see each other, Mary, it will be at the
hospital," the obstetrician said to his pregnant patient. "What would
happen if I went into labor and I started to deliver the baby before I
could get to the hospital?" Mary nervously asked. "No problem.
Childbirth is a completely natural event," he assured her. "Just lie
in the same position as when you conceived and let nature take its
course."
Looking doubtful she replied, "You mean one foot in the glove
compartment and the other out the window?"
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A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state
capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
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A man who worked for the fire Department came home from work and
told his wife, you know we have a wonderful system at the Fire
Department. "Bell 1" We all put on our coats. "Bell 2" rings and
we all slide down the pole. "Bell 3" rings we are on the truck and
ready to go.
From now on we are to run this house the same way. When I say
"Bell 1" you strip naked, "Bell 2" you jump into bed, "Bell 3" we are
going to screw all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1", She
took off all her clothes, "Bell 2" She jumped into bed, "Bell 3", they
began to screw.
After about 2 minutes she yelled!! "Bell 4."
He said, "What the Hell is Bell 4??"
"More Hose", she said, "you ain't nowhere nere the fire."
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What do...
...a coffin and a condom have in common?
They both have stiffs in them, but one's coming and one's
going.
...a balloon and virginity have in common?
One prick and it's all over.
...you have when you hold two green balls in your hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.
...you call two homosexuals named "Bob"?
Oral Roberts.
...you call a cow that's had an abortion?
Decalfinated.
How do...
...Snow White and Pinoccio make love?
She sits on his face and he tells lies.
...you make paper babies?
Screw an old bag.
...you know when two elephants have made love in your back yard?
Your garbage can liner is missing.
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