Dirty Jokes 2
A big Muscular hulk of a guy lumbers into a bar and sits down
on a stool. "BARKEEP!", he growls, "Gimme a whiskey!!".
The bartender responds with great dispatch. The hulk chugs down
the whiskey, glowers at the 6 men on his left and says "You men!!
You're all COCKSUCKERS!! You got a problem with that?" Silence.
"Bartender!! Fill 'er up!!", the hulk snarls. He downs his second
drink, scowls at the 6 guys on his right and says "And you!! You guys
are all MOTHERFUCKERS!! Anybody have a problem with that?"
Nobody says anything, but a little geeky guy gets up from the
right and walks toward him. As he passes the hulk grabs him by the
lapels and roars, "HEY! You got a problem with what I said???"
"N-n-nooo!!", stammers the little geek. "I-I-I'm j-just sitting
at the wrong side of the bar!!!"
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Two Americans walk into a bar in Tijuana. While ordering the
first round, they notice a native and his burro at the next table. One
of the Americans says to the man "Excuse me, ese, can you tell me what
time it is?"
"Que hora es?" says the man, who proceeds to lift up his donkey's
balls. "It's about three o'clock," says the man.
The Americans get a big kick out of this. They say to the man,
"Ese, that's amazing. How can you tell the time by lifting your
burro's balls? Is it the weight?"
To which the native replies, "No gringos, there's a clock on the
wall behind my donkey..."
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An elderly couple from Texas are on their way to Memphis to visit
their grandchildren. Upon reaching just this side of Little Rock,
the man runs through a speed trap and the state trooper pulls him
over. The trooper says, "Did you know you were speeding?" The woman
can't hear well so she screams, "What did he say?" The old man says,
"He wants to know if I knew I was speeding."
Then the trooper asks the man for his license...again the woman
screams, "What did he say?" The old man says, "He wants to see my
license."
The trooper looks at the man's license and says, "Texas, huh. The
worst sex I ever had was in Texas." Again, the woman screams, "What did
he say?" The old man says, "He thinks he knows you!"
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What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and an orange?
An orange gets the pulp pounded out of it *before* it goes in the can.
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After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food
to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk
and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty
hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde
walks in and says "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
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Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day
arguing about who might've designed the human body. The first one
said, "It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all
those levers and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have
designed all that."
The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical
engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must
have been designed by an electrical engineer."
Then the third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else
would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?"
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A stranger came by Farmer Brown's place as he worked his fields
one day. The stranger asked, "I saw some Honeysuckle down by your
creek there. Mind if I go fetch some honey for myself?"
Farmer Brown replied, "Why, son, you know you can't get no honey
from honeysuckle."
"Mind if I try anyway?"
"Go right on ahead."
The stranger came back with a pint of honey...amazing.
About a week later, the stranger came back: "I saw some milkweed
over in your valley. Mind if I get some milk?"
"Why, son, you know you can't get milk from milkweed."
"Mind if I try?"
"Go right on ahead."
The stranger returned with a gallon of milk...How'd he do that?
The next week, the stranger returned: "I noticed you had some
pussywillow down in the meadow..."
"Just hold on, son. I'll fetch my boots!"
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Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!!
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Jeffrey Dahmer, a man who touched the hearts and souls of many
children, died today after a lengthy illness. In his life, he was
known to cut up many with his sharp wit. Never known to discriminate
due to color of skin, Dahmer really sunk his teeth into many minority
causes.
One of his closest friends was quoted as saying, 'Hey he wasn't
such a bad guy, he was someone you could go to and simply chew the
fat'.
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A group of golfers were playing behind a really bad and slow
foursome. Finally, they couldn't take it anymore and started yelling
at the foursome to speed it up but to no avail. So they went up and
confronted the foursome, only to discover they were blind. The first
guy in the group apologized and offered to pay their green fees. The
second guy offered to buy them drinks in the clubhouse and the third
guy offered to buy them dinner. The fourth responded by saying "fuck
you, you should of played at night!"
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A dude taking a stroll stops in at a clock-shop and lays his dick
on the counter.
The girl behind the counter walks over and says to him, "This is a
CLOCK-shop, not a COCK-shop!"
The dude calmly says, "I know, put a face and two hands on it!"
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A man was stranded on a desert island. One night there was a
terrible storm and in the morning the man found that Christy Brinkley
had washed up on shore. There was an immediate attraction between them
and they had sex for the rest of the day.
The next day the man said to Christy, "Would you mind wearing my
clothes today?" She said, "Ok". After she dressed in his clothes he
asked if she would mind wearing his baseball cap and tucking her hair
up. She was a little surprised but did it anyway. Walking along the
beach together, he said, "Would you do something else for me, would you
take your finger and put it in the mud and paint a mustache on your
face for me?" She said, "that's a little weird, but why not?"
After she did that he said, "Just one last thing, I promise just
one more thing. Can I call you Bob today?" Christy replied "Yeah ok
why not?" To which the man responded: "Hey Bob, guess who I screwed
last night?"
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What should you do when an Elephant comes in your window?
Swim!
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The sex therapist advised the couple to be more spontaneous about
sex. "Don't wait for a pre-scheduled time," she said. "Make the most
of it when the urge hits, just let all your inhibitions go"
In the next session, she asked the woman how things were going.
"GREAT!!!" said the woman. "last night during dinner, we both felt
amorous, and one thing led to another and before you know it he had me
on top of the table, my dress hiked up over my head, and just fucked
the shot out of me for three solid hours"
"Thats GREAT" said the therapist. "Theres only one small problem"
added the woman meekly, I am afraid we'll never be able to eat at the
International House of Pancakes again!
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There once was a man riding on the same train as this lady was. He
was a decent looking man, and she was a very elegant lady.
He went up to her and asked, " Would you have sex with me for a
million dollars?".
The lady thought about this for a moment, and replied, "Well,
thats an awful lot of money, but well, yeah, I guess I would."
The man then asked, "Ok, how about five dollars?"
"What kind of lady do you think I am!?", she snapped back.
The man smiled and said, "Well, we've already established that,
now we're just haggling over the price!"
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The manager at the funeral home was drawn into the large dimly lit
room at the funeral home by the woeful cries of a young black woman
kneeling by an open coffin. He said, "Lady, why are you crying so
loud, is there anything I can do to comfort you?"
To this, the woman wiped her teary eyes and pointed to the other
open coffin at the other side of the large room. She said, "Oh, Sir, it
saddens me so much to see my husband buried in these old rags when that
other man has on such a fine white suit. I wish so much that my dead
husband might be buried in something fine because he never had nothing
when he was alive."
The manager looked at her with kind and thoughtful eyes and said,
"Lady, do go home, we need to close and I have a fine white suit that I
will put on the deceased for you."
Soon the poor wretch left. At this, the manager belted out, "Joe,
swap the heads on these two niggers!
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What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in
the other hand?
One hell of a big moth!
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How do you say Fuck You in Yiddish?
Trust me.
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So, this Eskimo woman goes to town to get her snowblower fixed.
The guy at the shop says it'll take awhile, so she goes looking for
something to eat. Right across the street from the shop is a cafe
with a sign that says "All You Can Eat Fish Fry," so she goes and eats
a *lot* of fried fish with all the trimmings. When she goes back to
the shop, the guy has the snowblower motor all taken apart. He looks up
as she enters. He says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"Naw," she says, wiping her mouth, "That's just tartar sauce."
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A tourist watching TV news in a West Texas bar exclaims. "That
Bill Clinton is a horses-ass!"
A guy walks over and knocks him off the bar stool. Later the
tourist says. "That Hilary Clinton is a horses ass too!"
Another local walks over and decks him again.
The tourist says to the bartender. "I didn't know this was
Clinton country?"
Bartender says. "It ain't, this is horse country."
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Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the woods when the big
bad wolf jumps out in front of her and says, "Little Red Riding Hood,
I'm going to screw your brains out!" At this point Little Red Riding
Hood pulls a 44 Magnum out from under her cape and replies, "Oh no
you're not, asshole, you're going to eat me, just like the story says!"
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At a national women's conference a table of women from the South
were seated adjacent to a table of women from up North. One of the
southern belles leans over to the other table, and in a Scarlett
O'Hara-type drawl, said, "Where y'all from?"
To which one of the Northern women (probably from New York),
haughtily replied, "We are from where you don't end your sentence with
a preposition."
The southern woman was slightly taken aback and said, "Oh! Well,
where y'all from, bitch."
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Did you know that a man is made of useless parts?
An Adam's apple that isn't an apple.
Two calves that won't ever become cows.
Twenty nails that won't hold boards.
A chest that won't hold linens.
Two tits that won't give milk. A belly button that won't button.
An ass that won't pull a plow.
Two balls that won't roll.
An organ that won't play music.
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A man walks into a bar in Ireland and orders a drink. He notices
two guys who look the spitting image of Hitler and Rolf Von Himmel. So
he approaches them and says "Hey, you two are the spitting image of
Adolf Hitler and Rolf Von Himmel."
The two guys look at him and the one who looks like Hitler says
"I am Hitler and my friend is Himmel. Ve have come back to launch World
War Three and zis time it will be bigger und better than before. Ve
intend to kill 60 million Jews und three postmen."
The Irish guy says, "What's with the three postmen?"
Hitler looks at Himmel and said, "you see, zey still don't give a
shit about ze Jews!"
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What do you have if you've got two green fuzzies in your hands?
Kermit's undivided attention!
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